18 Feb
Today is the first day I have felt really homesick. Or perhaps lonely is closer to it because I’m not sure I want back the home I left. The idea of it perhaps. I wake up in my teacher friend’s flat after she’s gone to school. There is a day alone ahead of exploring the city, just to get a ‘feel’ for it, and I don’t want to go. It feels as if it has an odd aimlessness to it. I’m on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur, the traffic and construction drills whining in through the window, the vast unfamiliarity of the city stretching out, and it all makes me feel small. I have a longing for connection, for belonging, for the shared jokes and squeezed shoulders of old friends. I am not really clear why we go into these uncharted spaces, or what we hope to learn from them. But I feel somehow that it’s important we do. That this atomised feeling should not be avoided by a search for constant companionship. That the aloneness and the togetherness pivot around each other. I don’t know though. Perhaps it’s all just reasoning to make it more bearable. But I won’t push it away. I will get up and face it and be in amongst it.
it takes an ocean 
You’ve captured this feeling of desolation beautifully. I agree it’s important to be removed from it all every once in awhile…it may be painful, but I think it helps us reflect and grow in between the times of constant activity and hyperconnectivity. =)
🙂
I feel the same way often. I desire the adventure that is edgy, that teaches you new experiences and people, a place to disappear in the realization that the world is so much bigger than ourselves, despite what we insist on believing. Yet you crave a little bit of the comfort and stability of something like “home.” Yet you know one drives you more than the other and back on to adventure you go.
Yep, you just gotta do it anyway!