from grasping to gratitude

I haven’t spoken to anyone in two days. After leaving Lea small talk seemed too irrelevant. I didn’t want to burst the moment. I find it almost impossible not to talk to people sitting next to me, nearly anyone, but I have resisted this time. This has also been because I’m going to a Buddhist forest monastery and I’m just passing through here. I planned this retreat a while ago but it’s come at a good time. My interest in new connections has entirely ebbed for now, and it’s time for solitude and deepening.

A shift has occurred in thoughts of Lea. I have left the grasping for her, the eagerness to hear she has changed her mind, and moved into a space of gratitude. She’s given me so much in so short a time: belief I can open and connect and fall; intense, piquant joy in our sharing of each other, in our gilt-edged memories of those few days; and also a little more confidence in my levels of attraction, a little more belief in the unspoken connections we all make between each other. And for all of it I find myself truly thankful, which has a tender quality of acceptance to it that is new to me. And that feels just a little bit Buddhist, which is pretty apposite right now!