the monastery finds me

Everything is starting to make sense, and it’s making me want to cry. My life coming into sharp relief. How much running there has been. How much time wasted trying to get away from myself. And the reasons why. The sad stillness I find in the spaces, always waiting for me. And eventually you can run no more. Eventually it is time to say ‘enough’. To sit still and to face whatever it is that’s coming for you. And to make friends with it: your own lifetime of stored up loses. To make friends with your own pain and guilt and rejection. To open your heart wide to yourself and say ‘yes it was hard, and yes I can’t change it now, and that absolutely sucks… and I accept it.’ Because I want to start living my life now. In this moment now. To commit to that for whatever it may bring. Because this moment is all there is, and whatever else you think you’re working towards is only a distraction. And so yes I commit again to stepping into my own life, no matter how long it takes. Into this life with all the parts in me I’m ashamed of and want to hide, with all the parts of me that grate and ache and with all my share of strengths and joys. I accept this lot. And I will try and love it. All of it. To stop hating those ugly parts of myself; to turn and to say sorry to myself for these hard judgements I have whipped myself with. And to commit to giving myself a bloody great big bear hug 🙂

And it is with this love for myself, and only with this love, that I am able to love anything else at all. It all starts with us and we stretch out from there, to our partner, to our brothers and sisters and family, to our friends and our colleagues and the people on the tube on the way to work in the morning and, well, to the whole bloody world.

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